The Man in the Road - my story, and the factors conditioning men to live small
This is a very personal sharing about my story, how I went from being a shy, playful little village boy, to learning to disappear, to breaking down, to fighting his way back to becoming a man willing to stand in the middle of the road, calm, present, and unflinching, even when others disapproved.
It's been hard to write, but I guess embarrassment is the price of entry.
For those willing to give the time to read it, I hope there is some inspiration in there, especially if you are someone feeling a little disconnected, anxious, burnout, lost or lonely as a leader or in your personal life.
It’s some of my story, a story about leadership, particularly self-leadership, and the long winding journey to guiding myself back home with some much needed support.
My Story
I grew up in a small village in the Brecon Beacons, now returned to its proper Welsh name Bannau Brycheiniog National Park, in South Wales, UK. In our case, think lower middle class, with a quiet and beautiful countryside backdrop. Isolated, but charming in its own way. I enjoyed my childhood, I was fortunate in many ways, my parents were loving and instilled a strong work ethic.
As a kid, I was shy, timid, playful, and deeply curious. I wanted to understand everything. I asked a lot of questions, A LOT. I explored, got distracted easily judging by old school reports, hid behind my mum’s legs when meeting strangers etc.
Something wasn’t quite right. In retrospect I was quite nervous, watchful, self-monitoring before I even had words for it.
There was a sense I never quite felt enough, but again before I had words for it. I didn’t trust my own judgment, and neither did my father.
There’s a moment that sums this up. I was once asked to trim the Jasmine creepers around the facia of the house, with explicit instruction NOT TO GO NEAR THE POWER CABLE. Naturally, I sliced straight through that beauty like butter with my secateurs. A live power line while standing on top of a tall ladder. When my dad ran out the sparks were still gracefully falling from the sky like a cascade around me as he saw what I’d done, he just gasped, “How are you still alive?”. I wasn’t reckless. I was disconnected from my own sense of consequence and self-trust.
At school, I was sometimes bullied for my curly hair. Other times challenged for trying to walk with the “cool” group with the occasional punch or squaring up in school corridors completely unprovoked. I learned quickly how fragile belonging was.
So I adapted.
I became a people-pleaser, a skillful one I might add. I exaggerated stories (albeit less skillfully in that case), I tried to be funny, I learned how to charm, distract, smooth things over. Looking back, I don’t see that as weakness so much, more protection. A nervous system doing what it needed to survive socially.
There was a lot of pent up restless energy. I learned to channel this into learning, instruments, gaming, pranking around the town, working out, reading physics and magic trick books, football, dabbling in martial arts. I loved effort, didn’t love conflict and avoided fights. I ran away when things escalated, literally or figuratively. Only stepping in if a good friend or stranger was in real danger and I felt I could help.
Later, some of that same pattern showed up in intimacy. I became overly timid, unsure and distinctly lacking confidence.
I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD or anything like that although perhaps I would’ve met the criteria. I was mischievous, distracted, and immature compared to others, especially the girls in my class. They seemed composed, organised, ready for the world. School felt like a playground to me. That came back to bite me at university, but before leaving my parents decided to split-up which felt upsetting and destabilising. I didn't have a great deal of time to process what it all meant before one month later hopping on the train to university itself.
When I kicked-off my time at the redbrick University of Bristol to study physics, I realised I had no idea how to truly study hard. Friends who’d gone to private school smashed it. I struggled through, not because I was stupid (despite any fair reasoned judgements after hearing my cable cutting antics), I just wasn’t ready. I just couldn’t compete on many levels and, to a degree, fit in easily either.
Neither during my upbringing nor in High School did they teach about how to process emotions, know your self-worth or how to express yourself without needing external validation. There was no manual for how to handle yourself under pressure. As a boy, on a few occasions I would aggravate a friend without realising it, and on two occasions got punched in the jaw. Deservedly, I suspect. I didn’t know how to hold my ground without provoking or withdrawing. That said, during university I did manage to meet some new friends, good friends still to this day.
At home, things were complicated.
My mother downsized and lived with my sister, she was (and still is) warm, kind, compassionate. A former teacher and careers advisor who was always emotionally available. She struggled historically with money and self-esteem, partly due to regular put-downs from my father which I'm sure he would admit to, who was only repeating patterns from his own upbringing.
My father was a world-leading cave diving explorer. Brave. Focused. Driven. But he had picked up his own fair share of deep and painful scars. I recall spending an evening with him and his best friend when 13 years old, who helped to install that 'man stranded on a desert island' screensaver if anyone remembers that. The next day, I was picking up the phone to the sound of dad in tears, repeatedly asking me to pass the phone to mum. That day his best friend Pete had drowned right in front of him, and I can still hear the pain in his voice today, That was one of several that would occur as the years went by. His sister, my auntie, suddenly passed away from pancreatic cancer within months, which he then shielded me from seeing in her final days to my sad disappointment. I'm sure it was for my own good, but it was hard to accept and process, as I wanted to say goodbye. My father was emotionally unavailable and not quite as present as I grew older in those teenage years. He had a temper, and hit me a few times as a boy and teenager. Whilst this is of course not acceptable today, I don’t judge him for that as that’s exactly how his parents brought him up (in fact he had it much worse). He once chased me through the house, and down our long garden for mildly misbehaving, and I had to leap over a bush into a country road to escape. I laughed about it back then. Looking back, I don’t think any of this should be accepted as normal.
What it did do was teach me fear. And fear made me armour up. I found the gym, and with it strength and size. At 16, I was no longer controllable. I could calmly stand my ground and he knew and felt that. The balance of power had rebalanced somewhat.
Despite what I’ve just said, it is more important to note that my father had many more positive qualities that surpassed this and guided me too, that I'd want us to focus on. He pushed my sister and I ‘to be the best in the world’, and to work really hard to compete with the rest of the world. My mother used to supplement (or should I say… counter) that by saying ‘be the best YOU can be’. He was a very high bar to compare ourselves too, a source of not feeling ‘enough’ no doubt.. He tried to motivate through external rewards. £1000 if I reached Grade 8 piano - FAILED, £1000 if I didn’t smoke by 18 - FAILED. It didn’t work for me, but worked for my sister. I was always much more intrinsically motivated, I did what I wanted. I quit piano at a low level Grade 6 when 16, then returned almost 20 years later on my own terms and achieved Grade 8 Distinction, paid for by myself.
But he taught me something else, something far more powerful and meaningful, without words.
One day in a local town Abergavenny, we were walking down the pavement together and saw an elderly woman at a distance waiting to cross for what seemed like forever. No cars were stopping, and she still stood politely as she propped up her mobility shopping case next to her. Unannounced and seemingly out of nowhere, my father calmly stepped straight into the busy road, raised his hand to the oncoming car who did need to apply emergency brakes, and unashamedly stopped the traffic. He just stood still, completely unreactive, as he helped escort her across while a man in the stationary car gestured, swore and beeped angrily, then proceeded to walk back and join me. The old lady waved and said thank you from the other side. We never discussed it.
That moment stayed with me.
Do the right thing. Even if people judge you.
That was leadership expression, with integrity.
I rejected parts of myself growing up. The fighter. The assertive masculine side. It didn’t feel safe with my father or my peers. I doubted my worth, which projected into everything.
I recall climbing a tree with a good friend in my teenage years, and slipping and falling 15-20 feet onto my back into a muddy field. At first I couldn't get up, and became petrified, thinking the worst. But managed to hobble up, with immense back pain which my friend asked me to hide when we returned to his grand parents house we were staying at. It was excruciating, and the lower back pains continue to this day. To add to that classic boyhood macho 'don't show weakness' theme, a year or two later I was playing football and holding my back as it was like shooting dagger pains as I jogged around and a friend just shouted at me 'Don't be a P@$y!!'. I was riled by that lack of support, care or sympathy and replied: 'I wish you had it for a second so you knew the pain', I didn't mean it maliciously and more just to angrily express that I wanted some empathy, to walk in my shoes. He was much bigger than I was, an alpha you might say (a great guy for that matter!), and after a briefly threatening confrontation from him in response I just went silent, which was my coping strategy for that moving forwards.
Attraction followed the same pattern. I had some luck with women, despite my shyness, but I repeatedly found myself in relationships with partners who had low self-esteem. I didn’t know how to spot it because I hadn’t faced it within myself.
Relationships became volatile, toxic, emotionally damaging. More than one partner threatened to take their life. I confess, and not for the sake of dramatised vulnerability, attention or otherwise that I did suffer some physical domestic abuse, narcissistic and coercive control and certainly picked up my fair share of emotional scars back then. My nervous system was on fire for years. Panic attacks, an anxiety disorder, relentless performance anxiety, tension in my body, difficulty focusing etc. I suffered from burnout in work, digestive issues, so many things building up.
I never became suicidal, but I worried daily that I might get there if things didn’t change. I found it hard to open up about this although I managed to tell a GP at the time. It was something.
At 21, I broke.
Walking up Park Street in Bristol, I finally accepted I didn’t know how to escape this low feeling after trying so hard for so long, and decided to call my father about it for the first time. As the call was connecting, I felt a flood of tears and just said, “Dad, I’m…. I’m just so fed up.” I couldn’t even finish the sentence. In truth, typing this is bringing back some tears. It was the darkest, loneliest and scariest period of my life so far. Even my closest friends don’t know a lot of the detail.
To my father’s credit, he drove up almost straight away and suggested we talk about it over a pint. That was his language, and it helped. Listening, whilst giving practical advice and his usual bold encouragement - “Come on, you can do it”. I was back running and exercising the next day.
My mum helped incredibly in a different way. We had calm, honest, walks and talks. She was great at listening, gave me suggestions like hot baths to calm those bad days of nerves, encouraged a visit to the Doctors and provided constant meaningful support. I needed that.
I graduated in 2008 during the financial crisis. There was barely any jobs in the market, the degree felt useless. I fell into IT, worked very hard, too hard perhaps. I was promoted five times in quick succession in my first company, from B2B tech sales to programme manager, but emotionally I was a little reactive at times, certainly defensive under pressure. I wanted to impress, to learn, to accomplish, and needed to be seen as capable. The Directors and SLT knew I got the job done, and went above and beyond what most would, it was in my character and was clearly noticed. I recall a government tender the company really wanted to complete but didn’t have either the team nor the time to get it done by the deadline COB the next day. I asked for all the related folders to be dropped on my desk at 5PM, and pulled a 36 hour shift without breaks all alone in the office with A3 paper scattered across the floor, covered in felt tip marks as I methodically designed and planned a rural and city WiFi rollout. I got it delivered by the deadline the next day, a tender that we went on to win. I think I was a handful to those above me back then, but they tolerated and channeled that which I’m very eternally grateful for.
In those early to mid twenties, I poured energy into everything, much like school seen as a playground, this was an adult playground. Gym, learning to DJ, shelf help, triathlon training, partying, hard, often destructively. My social anxiety was brutal, but as we learnt earlier I hid it well. I went one step further though as my 20s played out, I started to withdraw for some of the reasons already mentioned, but also through a desire for mastery, practising classical guitar, poker or snooker alone for an insane number of hours on end. I got quite good, honed the craft, but felt rejected from certain friendship groups, unworthy. Very alone. Not helped by my first love relationship ending, and her going off with my then best friend, that hurt deeply.
Eventually, I accepted I needed help. I kept getting dragged back into severe anxiety.
Counselling in my mid-20s helped with relationship trauma, alongside CBT which was powerful in breaking thinking and behavioural patterns. But meditation saved me, and possibly my life.
I trained at a Buddhist centre in Cardiff once or twice a week, then meditated daily for many years. Starting with Indian meditations and moving to Zen just sitting, missing only the odd day or two. Thousands of hours, silent retreats. Sitting on that zafu with all that pain and suffering, it sometimes felt like sheer terror. And yet flickers of light and hope when stumbling on calm in the beginning, before learning to be brave, surrender and fully let go. No more resistance. I faced my own mind head-on. I recall the anxiety eased significantly within 3 weeks, I was able to breath in the present moment again for the first time in several years. Within a year or so I had reduced the severity of the anxiety by at least 75% if not more, but that residual amount wasn’t going to be shifted by practicing mindfulness and being the silent watcher alone.
It was much deeper. I realised the next layer was self-esteem, the next onion layer of my sense of purpose to be explored and dissolved.
That took another decade, and a ton of equally challenging deep inner work.
It wasn’t until my thirties that, through responsibility, rejection, honesty, and relentless self-work, I learned to accept myself. To love myself. To be radically honest. To ask for help. To stay when things got hard, that’s something I’ve always had - Grit (PS - great book worth reading by the way, by Angela Duckworth).
That path led me to an incredible, kind, peaceful and supportive partner today, a sense of meaningful work, grounded appreciation and joy.
A friend said recently he would summarise it as becoming “well integrated”. I’m not sure of the extent of that, but I like the sound of it, and would like to think there is some truth there. Always a work in progress like everyone.
I became a Principal Consultant leading a team of amazing and very capable consultants for a BAE company, followed by a move to London to pursue a leadership coaching mission: helping modern male leaders express themselves with integrity, build trust, and stop hiding so they can have maximum healthy impact in the world.
I’m still learning. In work, in relationships, in small acts, even exploring silly little things like growing my hair out because I just fancied it, getting my first small-ish tattoo, a Japanese Zen Enso (Google it, it’s very on brand) in the celebrity tattooist Mark Mahoney's in Beverly Hills to celebrate, at 33?! Not as decoration, but as a reminder of my journey towards self-expression without inhibition, presence, self-belief and as a manifestation of my own self-acceptance (as such things I’d never have braved doing in my early years for fear of judgement or ridicule).
What’s this story REALLY about…
My story isn’t so unique. It’s a case study in how men learn to suppress themselves and risk living a life that is small, on how they unconsciously become disconnected from themselves and ways you can return back. In my case, once hitting rock bottom.
We’ve covered it all, family dynamics, absent or emotionally constrained fathers, over-responsibilised mothers, social stigmas, peer group pressure or policing, class expectations (work hard), differing developmental rates of boys compared to girls, schooling that rewards compliance, cultures that punish male vulnerability without giving an alternative. As an aside, for more on the structural issues that underpin much of the plights of men and boys today, I strongly recommend the book ‘Of Boys and Men’ by Rich Reeves.
By the time men reach leadership, they’re not blank slates. They’re already trained in what expression costs.
They don’t disappear because they lack courage, they disappear because they learned it was safer and convinced themselves its not necessary.
Becoming the Man Stood in the Road
The cleanest symbol in my whole story isn’t a breakdown or a triumph. It’s a man calmly stepping into the road. Not fighting, not fleeing, just unapologetically standing there without flinching.
Hand raised, palm open. Moral authority without aggression. “I don’t dominate. or disappear, I stand.”
That’s what daring leadership and authentic self-expression with integrity really is, and that’s the work I’m committed to.
Not helping men become louder, helping them become truer, because I believe we need that in the room more than ever today. Ethical, brave, decision makers who live true to themselves as clichéd as it may sound.
Not teaching confidence, but instead coaching grounded relational presence under pressure, because the world doesn’t need more men performing strength and armouring up. The world needs more men, more leaders, who can stand, calmly, and express themselves with integrity when it matters most. To help them learn to close what I call the expression gap.
Leaders willing to stand in the road when it matters. Would you?
And that’s a skill we can learn, even if we were never taught it as boys.
13 Stigmas that stop men and male leaders from expressing themselves.
Many male leaders and professionals like you don’t struggle because they are incapable of expression, it’s more because you learned that expression came with consequences. It is not that men do not feel, it is that many are socialised into norms that make feeling and sharing costly.
Over time, such consequences and their accompanying lessons hardened into internal rules. Rules that shape behaviour long after the original environment has changed.
As we know, at the core of many of these rules sit shame and guilt.
Shame - a core belief about who I am if I’m seen, as well as the shame emotion (eg. “I AM a let down”)
Guilt - a belief about what I’m doing wrong if I inconvenience or fail others, as well as similarly acting as an emotional complex (eg. “I HAVE just let someone down”)
These rules create what I call the Expression Gap: the widening distance between what is happening inside and what is allowed to be expressed, shared, or integrated. If you have been following my work already, you’’ll have no doubt picked up that I use The Expression Gap as a working label for the widening distance between (a) what is happening and arising internally (anything from emotions or states like stress, fear, shame, sadness, uncertainty, overwhelm through, through to other facets or capabilities like creativity, complex ideas, morals/ethics etc etc) and (b) what a man feels permitted or safe to express, process, and ask support for. This Gap can often be amplified by leadership-role expectations and organisational cultures that reward control and penalise visibly displaying such parts of ourselves if not obviously a necessity.
After some research, I’ve structured a set of 13 specific stigmas (that are the rules so many of us adopt consciously or unconsciously), each elaborated through five thematic lenses that may bring some light to some of the forces at work that add friction or prevent us from expressing ourselves to the fullest. These Stigmas are best understood as expressions of five interacting forces that make vulnerability socially expensive for men, especially in leadership.
Reflect on an area of your life where you are struggling to understand what to do, and how to express what’s arising within you, and see if you can relate to one or more of these stigmas right now…
Force 1: Performance & Authority Conditioning
Where expression is suppressed to protect credibility, competence, and leadership image.
Stigma #1. If I stay silent, I’m being strong
Many men grow up learning to “just deal with things.” Silence under pressure is rewarded as maturity and reliability with leaders who don’t flinch given more responsibility. This reinforces the belief that strength equals containment.
Psychologically, this conditions restrictive emotionality (Addis & Mahalik, 2003). Over time, silence stops being a choice and becomes automatic. Beneath it often sits shame as a core belief: If I express what’s really happening, something about me is inadequate.
Therapeutically, silence is protection as expression once carried risk, so your system shut it down. This may take shape in the body through stress responses that activate but never resolve. The nervous system remains in prolonged sympathetic arousal, with tension becoming normalised. Emotionally, unexpressed feelings compress - irritability, numbness, or sudden outbursts emerge when capacity is exceeded. Guilt also plays a role here, with many men feeling guilty for having needs when they “should just be coping.”
Supportive reframe
Strength is not silence. Strength is regulated expression under pressure.
One practical step today
Write one sentence about something you carried silently today or this week. No fixing, just naming.
Stigma #2. If I show emotion, I’ll lose authority
Many workplaces still equate authority with certainty and emotional neutrality. Expression is therefore quietly penalised.
Psychologically, emotion becomes equated with instability. This is reinforced by shame-based beliefs: If I’m emotional, I’m unprofessional. But research contradicts this, with leaders who show appropriate vulnerability increasing trust and learning (Edmondson, 2018), and emotional intelligence shown to correlate with leadership effectiveness (Goleman et al., 2013).
This creates role captivity. The leadership identity becomes something you must perform, not inhabit. In the body, holding incongruence between felt experience and outward expression drains energy and presence. Emotionally, fear of exposure dominates and guilt often appears too: guilt for “rocking the boat.”
Supportive reframe
Authority comes from emotional honesty, not emotional absence.
People trust leaders who can name what’s actually going on and still set direction, not those who pretend nothing’s happening.
One practical step today
Replace certainty with honesty in your next conversation relating to an important task you’re unsure on: “I don’t have full clarity yet, but here’s what I do know...”
Stigma #3. If I’m competent, I should always be in control emotionally
High-performance cultures reward consistency and penalise emotional fluctuation.
Psychologically, emotional suppression becomes confused with professionalism.
Suppression increases physiological stress and damages relationships (Gross & John, 2003). Avoidance also reduces cognitive flexibility (David, 2016). Shame here often appears as I shouldn’t feel this way. Guilt appears as I’m letting people down by not being on top of this. Worth becomes fused with the performance self, and in the body, emotions are bypassed rather than processed which keeps stress active beneath the surface. Emotionally, stress and anxiety leaks out as rigidity, micromanagement, or over-control.
Supportive reframe
Emotions are useful data, not defects to be managed.
One practical step today
Name the physical sensations before naming the story (you might find it’s a little different!)
Force 2: Masculinity, Status, and Social Risk
Where expression feels dangerous because it threatens rank, respect, or belonging.
Stigma #4. If I open up, other men will lose respect for me
In male-dominated environments, unspoken status rules apply. Toughness is rewarded, and vulnerability feels risky.
Psychologically, masculinity is precarious. Research shows manhood is perceived as something that must be continually proven (Vandello & Bosson, 2013). Shame operates as a social emotion here: If I’m seen this way, I’ll lose standing. This triggers a social threat response, and in the body becomes guarding and automatic. Emotionally, fear, shame, and comparison dominate.
Supportive reframe
Respect comes from grounded presence, not toughness theatre.
One practical step today
Reflect for a minute on one truth revealed to you by a man you respect who has chosen to open up, and observe what actually happens.
Stigma #5. If I try to express myself and get it wrong, I’ll look incompetent or exposed
Many men feel too embarrassed to express themselves. The fear isn’t emotion itself, it’s humiliation.
Psychologically, this is shame avoidance. Research on normative male alexithymia shows many men lack emotional vocabulary due to socialisation, not lack of feeling (Levant et al., 2009). The shame belief underneath is If I fumble this, I’ll be exposed. Avoidance protects against embarrassment. In the body, freeze responses dominate and emotionally we show frustration as self-criticism builds.
Supportive reframe
Expression is a trainable skill, not a personal failing.
One practical step today
Share one uncomfortable feeling with someone you trust today, using simple language. Clumsy is allowed, watch what happens.
With repetition, you’ll quickly see no one judges or cares, and usually wants to help!
Force 3: Hyper self-reliance, independence and control
Where coping alone becomes a survival strategy.
Stigma #6. If I need help, I should be able to handle this on my own
Many men learn early to “just deal with it.” Over time, this becomes identity.
Psychologically, self-reliance is moralised. Men who endorse strong self-reliance are significantly less likely to seek help (Vogel et al., 2011). Shame shows up as I shouldn’t need this. Guilt shows up as I’m burdening others. This reflects avoidant coping.
In the body, stress is carried alone, leading to fatigue and shutdown.
Emotionally, loneliness and quiet resentment build.
Many men eventually report having no one they feel safe talking to.
Supportive reframe
Elite performance is inter-dependent. There is a place for both independence and co-dependence when both performing and building a fulfilling life.
One practical step today
Say one unresolved pressure out loud to someone safe, without asking them to fix it. See how it feels to have someone lean in…
Stigma #7. If I ask for help, I’m giving up control
Leadership amplifies responsibility, reinforcing the need to stay in control.
Psychologically, autonomy becomes equated with safety. Men often associate help-seeking with loss of control (Biddle et al., 2012).
Shame here is subtle: Needing help means I’m not enough.
Guilt appears as I should be able to carry this.
Hyper-independence becomes self-protection and in the body, hypervigilance dominates. Emotionally, guardedness and distrust increase.
Supportive reframe
Expression restores agency, with asking for help when needed being an expression of ultimate control.
Suppression removes it.
One practical step today
Ask for input on something small and notice the outcome.
Force 4: Minimisation, and Skill Gaps
Where men downplay their experience or lack language to express it.
Stigma #8. If others have it worse, I shouldn’t complain
Success narratives discourage acknowledging cost.
Psychologically, this is emotional minimisation. Shame says my pain isn’t legitimate. Guilt says I don’t deserve support.
Burnout research shows this delay is costly (Maslach & Leiter, 2016; Mind UK, 2023). Experience is dismissed before it can be processed, and in the body, stress accumulates. Emotionally, exhaustion and guilt coexist.
Supportive reframe
Expression is preventative maintenance.
One practical step today
Name one cost of ‘success’ without qualifying it.
Force 5: Fear of Consequences and Identity Collapse
Where expression feels like it could cost safety, role, or belonging.
Stigma #9. If I’m honest at work, it could be used against me
Surveillance cultures amplify threat perception.
Psychologically, shame and fear blend into hyper-caution. Expression feels dangerous, and guarded attachment patterns emerge.
In the body, armouring replaces regulation, and anxiety and withdrawal can dominate.
Supportive reframe
Expression requires discernment, not oversharing.
One practical step today
Choose one safe context to speak honestly, as much as you feel comfortable.
Stigma #10. If I struggle, I’m failing those who depend on me
Provision across our lives can be tightly linked to worth for many men.
Psychologically, shame appears as I’m not enough. Guilt appears as I’m letting people down. Gender role conflict research links this to distress (O’Neil, 2008). Self-care feels selfish.
The body can experience chronic overdrive that leads to depletion.
Emotionally, fear and pressure dominate.
Supportive reframe
Expression protects your capacity to provide, as we retain our vitality.
One practical step today
Name one limit you’re ignoring that might affect those who depend on you, and how you could test it.
Stigma #11. If I open up in my relationship, I’ll burden or lose my partner
Many men learn early that emotions threaten connection.
Psychologically, vulnerability becomes associated with rejection. Shame appears as I’m too much. Guilt appears as I shouldn’t put this on them.
Emotional withdrawal predicts relational decline (Gottman Institute) and avoidant intimacy patterns form with closeness triggering threat.
Emotionally, longing and distance coexist.
Supportive reframe
Expression with ownership and integrity builds intimacy, whilst lightening the burden.
One practical step today
Lean a little over your edge, and share one feeling with daring authenticity that you’ve been holding back WITHOUT asking for solutions.
Stigma #12. If I need coaching, therapy or counselling, I must already be broken
Support is framed as remedial rather than developmental.
Psychologically, identity mismatch blocks access. Men avoid support that threatens masculine identity (Seidler et al., 2016), and shame dominates here.
Stigma becomes internalised, and sadly seeking help triggers threat. We can become defensive and resistance appears.
Supportive reframe
Expression work is leadership development.
One practical step today
Ask: “What skill would I train if this were about performance?”
Stigma #13. If I open the door emotionally, everything might fall apart
Years of suppression amplify fear.
Psychologically, experiential avoidance increases distress over time (Hayes et al., 2011). Shame says what’s inside me is too much. The system fears overwhelm and the body’s freeze response dominates.
Emotionally, dread and avoidance persist.
Supportive reframe
Expression integrates identity. Suppression fragments it.
Think of the cycle: Order, Disorder, Reorder. Suppression keeps you in disorder!
One practical step today
If you don’t already, share one small but difficult emotional truth with someone in your team you trust, not needing the whole story.
How these stigmas compound over time…
These stigmas don’t act alone, like everything they stack.
Embarrassment discourages early expression. Learning to “just deal with it” reinforces silence. Avoiding admission of needing support deepens isolation. Over time, relationships thin out.
Eventually, many men reach a point where they genuinely feel they have no one to talk to.
At that stage, the Expression Gap is no longer just emotional. It is relational, existential, and embodied.
Why vulnerability matters!
Vulnerability is not self-disclosure for its own sake. It is the mechanism through which shame dissolves, meaning forms, connection deepens, and engagement returns.
Research on wholehearted living (see any book by Brene Brown for more on this) consistently links vulnerability with:
Greater meaning and purpose
Stronger relationships
Higher engagement and vitality
Psychological flexibility and resilience
Without vulnerability, life becomes efficient but empty.
With it, expression becomes the bridge back to wholeness, aliveness, and belonging.
That is why these reframes matter, not to make men ‘softer’ but in fact to help make them whole, connected, and fully alive.
The crisis in men and male leadership everyone is misdiagnosing, and why our Mission is unique
I believe most people are obsessed with the wrong problems, thinking men and male leaders are collapsing due to the weight of mental health struggles, confused masculinity, loneliness, or burnout.
It’s true that these are all major issues that are clearly having a major impact, and shouldn’t be under-appreciated or overlooked in any way. But what strikes me most is the nature of the beliefs around what causes them in the first place, and the biggest risks to look out for moving forwards.
On an organisational level, the mainstream view seems to indicate a belief that their biggest risks come from toxic leaders, misconduct, or exhausted teams as let’s be honest here, burnout and disengagement stats are seriously excessive combined with high profile reputational storms in recent years or the last decade. We need only look to this year’s ex-BBC MasterChef Presenter and celebrity Gregg Wallace here in the UK, who was sacked (rightfully) in relation to 45 upheld claims that included ‘one of unwelcome physical contact and three of being in a state of undress. Most related to inappropriate sexual language and humour, and also culturally insensitive or racist comments.’
But seriously, how did we get here, where these situations and behaviours cannot be spotted sooner and prevented or managed?
Everyone is staring at the smoke, but nobody is looking at the fire.
Across conversations I have as a Leadership & Executive Coach with all manners of leaders and professionals, HR directors, academics and entire teams, one hidden mechanism keeps showing up behind every struggle, conflict, and quiet collapse…
Instead of assuming the reason for the struggle is that men and male leaders are emotionally ill-equipped, have toxic attitudes, or unable to cope,
I believe the real issue sits somewhere far messier and in a more practical space.
At its heart, men are struggling to express themselves in ways that create clarity, connection, and alignment.
This of course is in part due to a lack of situational and self-awareness, but there is much more to it than that.
They are failing because they can’t express what’s happening inside in a way that aligns their behaviour with what they stand for as well as with the surrounding culture. Consistently.
That for me is the real crisis. And I’ve named this broader problem The Expression Gap (more on this in my previous Blog post).
Below are three disruptive insights that I’ve distilled from my coaching work, which I intend to leverage to lead meaningful change and hopefully help contribute to defining a new era for male leadership as well as men in society as a whole. Because the feedback I’m getting is that we need this.
1. A global social mission
The real crisis of men isn’t mental health, masculinity, loneliness or burnout,
it’s the Expression Gap.
The public narrative keeps shouting that men are struggling because:
mental health is deteriorating
masculinity is broken or outdated
loneliness is an epidemic
burnout is the new normal
These are the symptoms, not the cause. The deeper issue is this:
Men don’t know how to translate inner truth → outer expression.
So they:
say they’re fine while quietly drowning
avoid the conversations that matter most
lead through performance instead of presence
suppress needs, opinions, boundaries, or emotional signals
break connection with partners, families, colleagues, and themselves
This internal misalignment between what a man feels, what he thinks, and what he expresses is the real point of failure.
Men are unsupported expressively. Until the time we learn how to confidently express with integrity in a way that feels safe, nothing will change.
2. Your edge and leadership advantage
The next strategic and competitive edge in male leadership isn’t EQ emotional intelligence, it’s now XQ Expressive Intelligence.
EQ was revolutionary, it taught awareness, empathy, and emotional understanding as well as emotional self-expression. It was and still is great, a crucial piece of the puzzle!
But emotional awareness doesn’t always change behaviour.
Not under pressure or in conflict
Not when we are struggling to keep up with complex environmental changes (societal, cultural, organisational etc)
Not when stakes are high.
Modern authentic leadership demands:
clarity under pressure
emotional regulation without emotional suppression
confident communication that lands cleanly
honest expression without oversharing
boundaries without shutdown
repair after rupture
trust - influence without ego
This is where XQ Expressive Intelligence becomes the new differentiator.
XQ Expressive Intelligence is the integration layer for how we express our emotional intelligence as well as all other capabilities!
Turning self-awareness into behaviour that builds trust, presence, and credibility.
And the research proves this shift:
Gallup (2023): 70% of team engagement comes directly from manager behaviour.
McKinsey (2023): burnout is driven primarily by toxic or inconsistent leadership behaviours, not workload.
Edelman Trust Barometer (2024): trust rises or falls based on leadership communication.
These aren’t emotional problems. These are expression problems.
EQ explains the feelings in the moment, but XQ Expressive Intelligence delivers the behaviour and the man’s helpful, authentic, inner truth.
And that’s what men are missing.
3. The organisational risk nobody is naming
Everyone thinks organisational risk comes from toxic leaders and burnout.
The real risk is misaligned leaders who can’t express consistently - especially under pressure.
XQ Expressive Intelligence closes that gap, enabling expression with integrity that protects your culture, trust, and performance.
This is the blind spot most HR, People, Talent, and L&D teams haven’t been able to articulate.
Organisations don’t fall apart because of the obvious stuff e.g. the headline-making scandals or formal grievances. They crumble because of the micro-misalignment leaders create every day:
mixed messages
tension left unspoken
defensiveness in hard conversations
emotional shutdown under pressure
values that are said but not lived
inconsistency between intention and behaviour
This quiet misalignment is far more dangerous than overt toxicity.
And B2B research backs this to the core:
Gartner (2024): the #1 HR priority is improving leader and manager effectiveness.
PwC Global Risk Survey (2023): culture and behaviour are now top emerging risks.
CIPD (2023): behavioural issues and conflict are rising in UK workplaces.
Deloitte (2023–24): trust is now a business imperative, not a “soft” metric.
These reports are not describing bad leaders, they’re describing misaligned leaders.
Not villains, but men who can’t express consistently, especially under pressure.
That is the Expression Gap at scale, and XQ is the capability that closes it.
4. The Bridge:
One Skill - three levels of impact
Why do these three insights matter?
Because the Expression Gap isn’t just a personal issue, relationship issue or organisational issue.
It’s all three at once.
Individually (and socially) - it blocks confidence, honesty, identity, and connection.
Professionally (inc. leadership) - it blocks trust, influence, and leadership presence.
Organisationally - it blocks culture, alignment, and performance.
One skill-based capability solves all three: XQ Expressive Intelligence.
Because when leaders can express with integrity:
trust stabilises
culture strengthens
performance becomes predictable
conflict becomes productive
relationships deepen
teams engage and support one another
burnout decreases
clarity rises
Expressive integrity is the new foundation of modern authentic leadership.
5. The Stakes: Why XQ matters now
The world is changing faster than most organisations can adapt. We’re entering an era where:
behaviour is scrutinised in real time
trust is fragile
misalignment is expensive
silence is interpreted as risk
communication is reputation
leaders are expected to be human and high-performing
emotional intelligence is no longer enough
Leadership that struggles to keep up, or can’t express under pressure collapses under pressure.
This isn’t about being softer or more emotional (although still highly valued), it’s about being aligned, consistent, clear, and courageous -
even when things get difficult.
Here we go, I’m going to say it…
EQ was the last revolution, I believe XQ Expressive Intelligence can be the next.
6. Want to find out more?
I see a future of male leadership which won’t be defined by over toughness, vulnerability, or charisma.
It will be defined by expressive integrity, the ability to express consistently, clearly, and honestly in the moments that matter most.
If you want to explore your own personal ability for self-expression and benchmark yourself, or find out how XQ Expressive Intelligence can transform your leadership, your team, or your organisation… this is the moment to step into the next era.
To find out more, take our Free xQ Scorecard here.
Thanks for reading, I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments and feedback!
The world of xQ Expressive Intelligence
Leading a revolution in how men express & connect, when it matters.
The new language of connection.
What is xQ?
xQ Expressive Intelligence is the key to connection and authentic, burnout-free leadership. It provides an end-to-end solution that guides men (and women) to master ways of expressing themselves, so that the message lands. Every time!
xQ is a capability upgrade that men need, now more than ever.
The Skill.
The Bridge.
The Connection.
It’s the Hot New Topic in the men’s personal development and leadership development world. A highly actionable, structured and skills-based framework for male leaders and professionals, the missing piece among the quotients (IQ, EQ etc) you didn’t know you needed, that evolves them one step further...
xQ is a Superpower that enables you to create new ways of thinking and generating expression, not just unblocking. It’s about creating impact, not just solving a problem.
Consider it like an operating system for your authentic self, the language of connection and impact. It acts as the glue that aligns and expresses all of your abilities and intelligence types coherently, connecting your inner world to your outer world.
It is the highly learnable, unspoken next step to expressing your full self, both who you are and who you want to become, to create real connection and leave your mark on the world. It builds off emotional intelligence (EQ), but is distinctly different. It’s accessible, complimentary, and looks specifically at expression as a means of connection that deeply resonates, and is learnt through practicing and mastering the 6 unique skills which collectively focus in on the ‘Expression Gap’ experienced by all men at some point.
Inspired by the global conversation around men’s vulnerability and modern masculinity, it is ultimately something that helps men reconnect and create lasting transformation.
Why learn xQ?
Because it allows you to become a fully Expressed Modern Man, to connect and have maximum Impact.
Expressive Intelligence unlocks you to:
Rediscover your authentic self-expression
Build deep trust and connection in your relationships
Lead your life and situations boldly - effortlessly inspiring and influencing others
Embody undeniable presence
Present unshakable confidence (as your truest self)
Find freedom no career can offer
Enable you to purposefully embody your truth
Execute and secure a legacy to be proud of
All without the burnout that comes with inner conflicts (expressive dissonance), and the drain of living inauthentically.
It’ll quickly become a Skill in your toolkit that ensures your impact matches your intention.
The Key to the Kingdom
Whether you are currently on the path to greater discovery of yourself, your career or business success, focusing on securing your legacy, or trying to work through a difficult relationship conflict, it is your Key to the Kingdom.
It is the Pathway to closing your unique Expression Gaps in life, wherever they show up, getting you back into alignment, presence and bold action taking.
It’s the Magic Tool you need to master in order to help you reach your full potential as your powerful, unique and fully expressed self in the modern world - becoming a master of your own unique expression that leaves maximum positive impact on the world.
It is a tool for impactful leadership and legacy.
A practical solution to the problems of disconnection, isolation, emotional suppression, burnout, Imposter Syndrome and aids man’s search for meaning.
How is it different from Emotional Intelligence (EQ)?
xQ focuses on self-expression as a whole, in order to connect or reconnect with ourselves, others or the world around us.
One element of EQ addresses emotional expression specifically, however it has not been designed to address the many other forms of our self-expression that we may wish to bring out more and share with the world (e.g. simplifying complex ideas, playfulness, creativity, morality etc. - areas often covered by other quotients individually).
xQ is about being, doing, creating, and leading, not just understanding.
In an age of information overload, most men do not have the time or energy to have to study and piece together all of these complex concepts themselves, they need one reliable place they can go to help navigate their challenges in expressing themselves to build a fulfilling life.
xQ acts as the integrating layer, showing how well you can channel the different parts of yourself coherently, and express this unique mix of abilities on command (especially in times when and where it’s important!).
It’s not just what you know or feel, it’s how you learn to communicate it to the outer world in a way that resonates with others and internally to ourselves.
The good news…
Unlike IQ, it is highly malleable and can be levelled-up and learnt quickly with the right tools and deliberate practice.
Emotional Intelligence is now mainstream, and men’s emotional health is an established and growing trend in professional and personal development for a reason. This is the logical and action-orientated next step, not just understanding emotions and other inner capabilities, but skillfully and authentically expressing them to improve communication, leadership, and relationship connection…
A man with high xQ shifts things, moves the room, leaves his mark on the world, and secures a legacy to be proud of!
It’s the next step for men who are ready to take action, and learn this new capability to build a fulfilling life.
QUESTION: What part of yourself do you find most difficult to express or share right now?
Why such a focus on Self-expression?
Well, there's several Big Problems with men today.
Our Research unearthed the following:
Emotional Overload – running on empty from stress, anxiety, and mental noise without healthy release
Silent Suffering – bottling emotions, avoiding help, and withdrawing from real connection
Relationship & Loneliness Struggles – physically present but emotionally absent with others and loved ones (also seen in the current ‘Male Friendship Recession’, ‘Dad Deficit’ trends etc)
Direction & Purpose Confusion – unclear priorities, living by others’ expectations, or drifting without a North Star
Changing Roles & Masculinity Pressure – outdated norms, shifting gender expectations, and conflicting demands to be strong, stoic, and self-reliant
And if experiencing all at the same time…
Burnout, dysfunctional relationships, disconnection, isolation, and lost hope.
All adding to the challenges of modern masculinity.
So here's Why.
Self-Expression xQ ⬇️
Reconnected xModern Man ⬇️
MAX. IMPACT!
🔑 Integrating Self-Expression
(developing XQ Expressive Intelligence helps you notice what’s really going on inside, bring it to the surface, and choose which parts truly serve you. It’s about strengthening your sense of who you are today and who you want to grow into.)
⬇️
🔥Unlocks your full freedom and power as an xModern Man.
(by fully expressing who you really are, you enable presence and deeper connection).
And living as an xModern Man...
⬇️
🚀 Critical to having Maximum Impact as a Leader, Partner, and Human in today’s rapidly evolving world.
(because only by embodying and living your truth of who you are can others trust, follow, and connect with you at the deepest level)
and so the Big Message to Share... 🗣️
The future of modern masculinity depends on one thing above all:
xQ Expressive Intelligence.
Let’s make this the Chapter for the re-emerging xModern Man.
What lies behind the X?
The X in xQ represents ‘Expressive’.
But there’s more…
Our choice of this letter as a symbol of expression has much deeper roots. It carries a legacy far more interesting, mysterious and influential than most realise. Spanning religion, mathematics, pop culture, and branding, it appears everywhere.
Its story begins with the Phoenicians around 1000 BC, whose letter samekh depicted a fish and produced a hard “s” sound. The Greeks later adapted it into Chi (χ) around 750 BC, before the Romans adopted it as X. Its phonetic flexibility laid the foundation for X’s enduring role as a symbol of mystery, crossing, and transformation.
Aristotle’s X (chi)
Aristotle’s exploration of sameness and difference, found in his Topics and Metaphysics, offers a profound lens on identity. He distinguished between several forms of sameness: numerical, specific, generic, and a fourth, “in view of unity of species.” It is this final form, along with his symbolic use of Chi to express the intersection of sameness and difference (his literal use of two lines crossing in the symbol X), that was the main inspiration.
X captures this dynamic perfectly: we are simultaneously connected by shared human traits - with family, communities, and species - while expressing our own unique differences.
Aristotle’s insights laid the groundwork for understanding identity as both shared and distinct, a balance embodied in the X that defines xQ.
Even our X chromosome reminds us of this truth, a shared thread between genders where sameness and difference are woven together.
Throughout history, X has carried sacred, scientific, and cultural meaning. In the 17th century, René Descartes gave it new life in mathematics, using it to represent the unknown, a role it still holds today. In pop culture, X became shorthand for mystery and discovery, from X-Men to The X-Files. Spiritually, it symbolizes crossing between realms, linked to ideas of resurrection, transformation, and the afterlife. The ancient Egyptians associated X with Osiris, god of the underworld, while in astrology and astronomy, X marks celestial intersections, the crossing of cosmic paths.
Over time, X has become a universal emblem of identity and exploration, seen in Generation X, X-rated, and even in its phonetic adaptability across languages. Its sound shifts from a soft “sh” to a sharp “ks,” echoing its flexibility of meaning.
What makes X so compelling is its ability to be both transparent and enigmatic, a simple mark that transcends its role as a letter. From divine symbolism to mathematical abstraction and cultural identity, X continues to represent the intersection of the known and the unknown, a timeless icon of mystery, transformation, and possibility.
X is more than just a letter; it’s now also a symbol representing expression - expression of everything from the divine to the unknown.
And we hope to add a next chapter in its story, one as a powerful tool that reconnects men in modern times…